There were ten at our table, relatives, old friends and new.  We spontaneously shared our gratitude, mostly involving our family, but with much hilarity and edgy humor. Our family is not Norman Rockwellian: we have great open relationships, full of love and humor, and we have the other stuff too: sharp edges, misunderstandings, sometimes standing in each others’ way instead of creating a path of support.

My older son is in graduate school, studying somatic psychology. It was such a pleasure to see him and talk with him: he has grown and changed so much in the past three months, and is completely happy in his program and path.

Being parents of grown sons is an exercise in boundaries and letting go while remaining available. Both my sons are on paths of growth and change right now in their lives, and we are so proud of them and their courage.  And it is pure pleasure to see them getting closer as they grow up, supporting and respecting each other more every year.

The son who is in school had an assignment, doing a genogram, that he asked us to help with.  A genogram is basically a family tree with all kinds of information added.  While completing the chart, I started to realize that once again, I feel uncomfortable with the negative, pathology-focused approach my profession can have.  The genogram collects information about problems:  addiction, abuse, mental illness, divorces, etc.  Although one can put in any information one wants, the main focus is on learning about one’s family history of pathology.  It is important for many people to go through this process, especially in families where there are many secrets.  It can be a powerful tool for seeing patterns that help you explain your current choices.

But, the morning we left, I got up and made a list of all the strengths of every family member.  I didn’t want this genogram to communicate only the “dark side” of things.  I don’t deny the dark side; our family has as many alcoholics and divorces as most American families.  Here’s the point:  our family is also resilient, strong, loving and honest.  These qualities have made it possible to survive and thrive through many hard times.

In writing about our family’s strengths, four aspects kept appearing:  Artistic/Musical, Intelligent/Resourceful, Funny, and Hardworking.  It makes for a pretty exciting dinner table at holidays!  Of course, we choose friends with these qualities too, so our friends added a whole other layer of fun.

When I got back to my home, I watched an episode of the TV show Parenthood, in which they experienced a similar Thanksgiving dinner with conflicts, hilarity, silliness, and affection.  This show depicts families in all their complexity, weaving dark and light threads into a sparkling tapestry that is constantly moving and changing.  This is what I wish for all families:  the love, acceptance, and courage to continually create and recreate the tapestry of  lasting connectedness.

I start every Parenting Teens With Success class by asking parents about their teen’s strengths. This always takes us into a long discussion about humor, creativity, drive, talent, and sensitivity. Parents’ faces light up with the pleasure and, I think, relief of expressing their admiration of their amazing teens.

When we do discuss issues, the most frequent and urgent complaint I hear from parents is that their teens are disrespectful and that they don’t know how to stop this behavior. The attitude and talking back are distressing and hurtful, as our sweet children sometimes seem to turn into rude strangers overnight! Many parents are taken by surprise at this change and are at a loss for how to deal with it.

Of course every family and every adolescent is unique, but I have three suggestions that I believe can help parents improve the level of consideration and respect in their families:

• Show Respect
• Expect Respect
• Listen to Understand

Showing Respect

Modeling what we expect from our children is one of the most powerful methods of communication. If we can tune in to our tone, and make it respectful, we are “practicing what we preach”, which is very important to parenting adolescents. Teenagers discover the concept “hypocrisy” and seem to apply it first to their parents! They are hypersensitive to our non-verbal cues, and are quick to interpret the tiniest facial expression to be anger or disgust.

Isn’t it awful when we first realize that our children copy our bad habits as well as our good ones? I sigh a lot – ask anybody I work with, or anyone in my family – and I am chagrinned to hear my younger son copy my exasperated sighs (I have a whole repertoire) when he is disgusted with something. I have actually heard two year olds mimicking their parents tone, or sighs, or tsks, with absolute accuracy. Some of us experience this when we listen to our children play house and are shocked at the way they treat their dolls!

Showing respect is more than tone of voice or body language, however. We show respect when we show interest in our teen’s music, heroes, and friends. We show respect when we enjoy their sense of humor and laugh with them. We show respect when we set clear limits and follow through with consequences, because teens need to know that we are still their parents and will continue to guide them as they struggle through this transition to adulthood.

Expecting Respect

Once I was in a department store, and a mother was shopping for a prom dress with her teenage daughter. I eavesdropped. The daughter was scathing about the dresses Mom brought for her to try on. “You have got to be joking. I wouldn’t be caught dead in something that hideous.” Mom modeled respectfulness by keeping her tone of voice cordial, and asked her daughter to stop speaking to her so nastily. Daughter sighed, mom then returned with two more dresses, which met with equal disdain and insolence.

This is the part I loved: Mom then said, “I am going to the car. We are not buying a dress today. I’ll meet you in the parking lot.”

Shocked silence, then I heard the daughter sigh, get dressed and walk out. I wanted to congratulate that mom for her actions, because she showed her teen with actions that she meant what she said.

Sometimes the disrespect from our adolescents seems to sneak up on us, and eventually they are talking to us in ways we would never allow anyone else to. It is essential to stop – as soon as this occurs – and address the issue. Don’t let it go unless there is a more important issue at stake.

Here’s one way to do it: stop the conversation and ask your teen to rephrase the comment with a respectful tone, and if s/he won’t, end the conversation. Modeling a respectful tone, say something like, “Let’s continue this later when you are feeling more like being respectful.”

When we communicate to our teens consistently that we expect them to talk “nicely” to us, we are more likely to see results.

Listen to Understand

There is no single skill more important to parenting teens than learning to listen in a different way. Basically, we need to listen longer without interrupting, listen without judgment, and listen for the message behind the words.

Listening longer can be a challenge. We are used to being more hands on with younger children, but when they become adolescents, they begin to be capable of solving their own problems. This essential life skill cannot be learned by being told what to do. We can provide a wonderful opportunity for them to talk out possible solutions and come to their own decisions when we ask questions like:

• “What do you think about…”
• “Tell me more….”
• “What is your goal…”
• “What do you think would work?”

When we resist the temptation to jump in with solutions, we gain the opportunity to observe our teens work through their issues with creativity and independence.

Listening without judgment is a huge challenge. It not only means not expressing judgment, but trying to let go of judgment within ourselves. This is absolutely essential: If we want our teens to open up to us, we have to be ready to accept what they say without jumping in to criticize them. The more we listen with compassion, the more they will trust us, and trust leads to respect.

Listening for the message behind the words simply means that we know our child better than anyone else, and one thing we can do is pay attention to the greater meaning of what they are saying. For instance, “I hate school”, can mean, “I am discouraged and feel like a failure.” If we listen carefully for this message and resist the temptation to get in a discussion of the importance of education and hard work, then we might find that our compassion and respect for our adolescent is deepening.

Respect is a huge issue. Every family will work on it in their unique way. But work on it we must, for ignoring the issue can lead to frustration and anger, while addressing it can lead to parenting from a stance of strength and love.
(first published in the Birth To Three Alumni Newsletter)

A few days ago, a young person I know said to me, “I’ve been wondering, how did everybody survive before cell phones, back in the day?” After mentally thanking her for not saying “in olden times,” I told her about the not-so-recent past when we made plans ahead of time and stuck to them, carried quarters so we could use public phones, and hoped that someone would stop to help us when our cars broke down on the highway.

The conversation got me thinking about the parents of teenagers that I work with. These are great parents who care deeply about their kids, and who give them lots of attention and love. But often, when it comes to dealing with their teens and technology, they are at a loss. It is so much harder to understand and set limits on behavior that we have no experience with. Parents might be great at setting limits with homework, chores and dating, but they can feel they have entered new territory when it comes to rules around cell phones, the Internet, Facebook, texting, iPods and electronic games. And, teenagers can be so emphatic in demanding that they need total freedom with their gadgets!

A recent study by the Kaiser Family Foundation (http://www.kff.org/entmedia/entmedia012010nr.cfm) found that only about 30% of adolescents have any rules about using the Internet, TV or video games. That means that the vast majority of American kids and teens have absolutely no limits being set on their use of technology. This same study found that the average teenager is “hooked up” to something, whether an iPod or the Internet or games or TV, 7.5 hours per day. Add in that they are often multitasking on two or more devices at once, and that time goes up to 10.5 hours per day.

Parents worry about the dangers of the Internet, but there are also considerations such as teens losing sleep because they take their phones to bed to them and text all night, teens using their phones for “sexting,” and many teens seemingly removed from their real lives while they lose themselves in games and music and ignore everything around them.

Parents can find lots of help on this issue by searching Google for “parenting teens.” But most experts’ advice comes down to three points: communicate, monitor and set limits.

First, communicate your values to your children. They need to hear directly from you what kind of behavior is OK and what is not. Even more importantly, it is essential to learn to listen to our adolescents. Listening means not talking. Listening means asking a question and not judging the answer, and not jumping in to offer advice or admonishments. Believe it or not, studies have shown that teenagers wish they could talk to their parents more, and that can occur when parents encourage their teens by listening more.

Monitoring can mean moving the computer into public space like the dining room so teens do not use the Internet or TV behind closed doors. Or it can mean buying software that will tell you exactly where your teen has gone online and what amount of time was spent there. It is also essential to stay current with the technology your teen uses, which can be a challenge. But the most important thing is good old-fashioned parenting: Keep track of what they are doing and pay attention to the details.

Finally, don’t be afraid to set limits and stick to them. Some helpful rules:

1. Turn in all electronics at bedtime. Teens will text all night if allowed to.

2. Keep the computer in a public place.

3. Have specific periods when there is a “no-tech” rule: during dinner, on walks, while having special family time.

4. Do not believe that “everyone else gets to do it!”

5. Talk to other parents.

6. Consider having teens earn the right to phones/games/iPods and even pay for them.

7. Don’t be afraid to take gadgets away the first time guidelines for their use are broken.

Even though this may be a 21^st century issue, the solutions are basic. We can protect and guide our teens by applying what we already know about good parenting: pay attention, listen, say “no” when appropriate and express love every day.

I’m even interested in the relationships between colors.  This is exciting to me as I plan my move into my new office, which is in a suite of offices beautifully decorated with warm rich colors and fabrics.  I find myself daydreaming about what color to paint the walls, what will blend with the other offices and waiting room but also express my individuality and personality.  These choices are not superficial:  I want to be a part of this office and respect what has been built there, at the same time adding my unique view and talents.

And I want new clients to get a feel for what their experience will be like as soon as they walk in the door.  This new space will, I hope, communicate a sense of confidence, healing, and serenity.

More about the new office soon; I’ll be moving in by the end of September.

Today is the last day of August.  This late-summer-early-fall season coming up is one of my favorites.  The light changes, colors get warmer, people start putting away their summer clothes and summer furniture, moving inside but still enjoying bright sunny days.  In Oregon, we have to squeeze every minute out of these last warm days before the long nights begin.  People are looking up at the sky, soaking up the bright warmth, and savoring every second.  Gardens are full, asters and zinnia and black-eyed Susans abound, but trees are still green and it’s not fall yet.

It’s a delicious time; a lovely transition that you can miss if you don’t pay attention.  The relationship between the seasons fascinates me.  Late-summer-early-fall is the beautiful space between that both connects and separates the two seasons.  I’ll be writing more about that “space between”, the dynamic, powerful point of contact that can define a relationship as troubled or healthy.

Thanks for reading; I’m going outside.

Jamie